Marrying the Irreconcilable

Marrying the Irreconcilable

There was a time when husbands and fathers worked close to home, in their workshop or in the fields. Their work did not take them far from their families. The Industrial Revolution transformed civilization; it took fathers (and often mothers) away from the home and into cacophonous factories and the mines that fueled these factories.

These days, many men are able to work from home, and wives often have careers to support the homestead. The practical role of husbands and wives constantly change. So what do the husbands and fathers of today have in common with their predecessors? What about marriage has remained constant in the face of dramatic social change? “The whole aim of marriage” wrote GK Chesterton, “is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.” With these words, the ‘Apostle of Common Sense’ touched upon an enduring truth of marriage: it reconciles the irreconcilable. It repairs that which was destroyed by the Fall of Man, the harmony that was broken by the discordance of sin.

I cannot sum up in a few words the incredible mystery of husbandry, but I can relate an experience unique to a husband and father. Earlier this year, the child my wife was carrying stopped growing. The loss of my child was my life’s greatest grief. I still remember and pray for my child, but I have found it easier to move on than my wife. Miscarriage is crippling to the mother. I doubt she will ever stop grieving. She carried and nourished our child for a few short weeks, and she continued to hold his body in the womb until he passed.

Her loss is far more intimate than mine, but I see her through it. I was with her when she heard the awful news; I was there when she miscarried at home in the middle of the night; I am there for all the tears and agony. I do not feel or understand her sorrow. I cannot, and yet I am bound to it just as I am bound to her joys. By marriage, we have “become one flesh.” We no longer function as two solitary individuals, but as husband and wife. My wife and I are intrinsically different, incompatible to the core, but we have become intrinsic to each other’s lives until the very end.

– Ian Skemp

Catholic: a Calling to Sacrifice and Obedience

Catholics have this funny thing about sacrifice, and Catholic marriage is no exception. I was the happy attendee at my brother’s wedding recently and they had chosen a beautiful and misunderstood passage from the New Testament as one of the readings: Ephesians 5. Yup, that’s the one about wives being subject to their husbands written by Saint Paul to the Christians in Ephesus. Controversial on the surface, this passage really says simply that marriage is about sacrifice and overcoming our self-centered inclinations to be bossy (women) and tuned out (men).

First, a moment on the sacrifice angle: husbands’ relationship with their wives mirrors what we Catholics talk about as Christ’s relationship to His Bride, the Church. That sounds a little weird if you haven’t had a catechism lesson, so here’s my quick explanation (without a degree in theology). God sends His Son down to Earth to bring redemption to a fallen people, Christ institutes a physical and spiritual thing “the Church” to act as His proxy in giving out graces and helping people, and He heads back up to Heaven after He dies. His relationship with the Church is like a bridegroom to a bride: He sacrificed His life for her, and she reciprocates by sharing life, love, and His grace (God’s life within us) to the world.

Second, the obedience angle: are women considered second-class citizens? Saint Paul writes that wives should be subject to their husbands, and husbands should love their wives as themselves and sacrifice their lives for them. This always rubbed my inner feminist wrong. What does “subject to” mean anyway? So women are supposed to be obedient and men just sacrificial? Come on! What are we, chattel?

Now that I’ve been married a few years, I see that these two instructions correlate to basic human nature and the psychological make-up of both sexes. It resonates that men need to feel respected and listened to by their women who, in general, are far more verbal and can run roughshod over their men at any given opportunity (um, me). And women need to feel totally cared for, monogamously devoted to, and the center of their husband’s worlds because, in general, men aren’t attuned to the constant affirmation we need (constant? Um, yes.).

Marriage is a special calling because it mirrors this relationship Christ has with His church. It also brings out the best of both gender’s strengths, and help work on their weaknesses, i.e., being self-centered. Sacrifice and respect are imperative ingredients to a healthy marriage, and all relationships. Thanks, Saint Paul, for pointing out the difficult and the obvious.

-Nell Alt

What Makes a Wedding a Marriage

I welcomed in this New Year with the celebration of my sister’s wedding. We are frequently surrounded by the beauty of weddings: in films they are filled with magic, in books they are full of vibrant flowers, elegant dresses, savory foods, and a plethora of wines. As a sister of the bride I can confidently recall the details of the planning, the creation of the event. As the wedding approached I was prepared for the logistics: nails done, hair appointment, finally the bride is dressed and ready. We stood in proper order in the back of the church, the music accompanying us down the aisle. The last bridesmaid and groomsman took their places at the altar, the doors closing behind.

With the cue of the piano, the doors opened wide, and my sister stood dressed in white, beaming on the arm of my father. On her way to meet her new husband she passed characters from her life, they were lined in pews smiling at the little child they grew up with, at the grade school friend, the neighbor, the college roommate, the coworker. We all stood in observation as two roads emerged; the road of her past personified by the characters in the pews whose relationships led her to this intersection with her future, her husband. Meeting at the altar, my father kissed my sister and sealed his approval of my brother-in-law with a handshake. The transfer from her family of the past to the family of her future at the base of an altar. Christmas lights glistened as the ceremony began with the sign of the cross, the recognition of the mystery.

With the procession of the mass, we were all instantly reminded of the true beauty of matrimony, a promise made under the eyes of God. My sister and her new husband’s gaze continually focused on the cross. At the altar they declared their vow to be faithful and true in front of humanity and Divine. The two looked upon their new path not through a fantasy, but in front of reality. Struggles, difficulty and growth are in their future but through this knowledge and surrender to the Mystery there is hope and faith. Because only through Jesus, and His bride the Church, can we truly love.

– Colleen Pesci